Living in Parent Purgatory: The Effects of Empty Nest Syndrome

18 years goes by in a blink of an eye. Every time I open Facebook; I’m reminded through a handful of memories (posts from years past) that time goes by much faster than we all realize.

Our youngest of two went off to college a few weeks ago, and my husband and I are officially empty nesters. While some parents might be rejoicing the fact that they have less laundry to do, fewer groceries to buy, less food to cook, and far fewer activities to go to; I am really struggling with the adjustment. I miss all of the above; ALL of it.

If you have grown children, once they leave the nest; it smacks you straight in the face that they went from their first day of kindergarten to their first day of college overnight. All of the things in between: dance recitals, little league baseball games, family road trips and holidays... all run through my mind like one of those old fashion flip books where each page turns so quickly and before you know it the story is over. I’m left in a state of confusion; not sure if the memories make me feel happy or sad. In reality, it’s probably a combination of both and then some. The sadness though is not accompanied with any guilt or wishing I could go back in time and do anything differently; it selfishly exists because I so desperately want to hold my babies again and relive all of these great moments we shared together while they were growing up, when they were still little, and when they still needed their mom.

For the past two decades, I’ve cherished every single minute of caring for my kids. There have been plenty of good times and some challenging ones, but I’ve never seen being an active mom as work. Being a parent has brought contentment to my life and given me a deep sense of fulfillment. Caring for and nurturing two little humans in every way, while having the privilege to teach them independence, is truly a wonderful gift. Creating family dinners every night was not a chore; it was a blessing. Being a taxi service for weekly dance classes and cheerleading practices gave me an opportunity to have meaningful conversations with our daughter. Endlessly practicing baseball and football plays in the front yard to prepare for game day was one of my favorite ways to be a part of our son’s life.

The challenge of washing smelly football uniforms and dirty baseball pants became a weekend ritual. Juggling busy schedules was like planning adventures every single week; adventures the whole family looked forward to and reminisced about on Sunday nights before the next week’s adventures took place. Dance and cheer competitions, hotel weekends full of travel team baseball, chilly weekends of tournament team football, sleep-overs, parent teacher conferences, music concerts, and other various activities kept us all busy and connected.    

I miss the busyness, but what I truly miss are the daily face-to-face interactions (though sometimes brief), with each of my kids. I long for the comfort of knowing my little ones are safe and sound under the same roof, and the joy of seeing their faces each and every morning and sending them off to start their day.

When our daughter graduated high school, it was 2020 and we were in the middle of the pandemic. She continued to live with us during her first year of college and it was a slow transition leaving the nest. Once she left, she got an apartment just a few miles away from our home. We were still very busy with her younger brother’s activities, which was a distraction from her moving out and starting a life of her own. And since she lived close by, she was still a valuable part of our busy lives. She came to almost all of her brother’s football and baseball games and visited us regularly. Now that our youngest has officially left the nest and is 4 to 5 hours away; it’s like ripping off a Band-Aid. There was no slow transition for him leaving the nest. We all went from a busy high school baseball season with 2-3 double-headers per week to a screeching halt.

Maybe this will empty nest thing takes time to get used to. We have been told that eventually, my husband and I will come to enjoy being empty nesters. But like most change, it is definitely an adjustment and right now I don’t like it. I hate it. I can’t really describe the feeling, but it’s definitely one where I feel unsettled, floating in a space where I’m not sure what I am supposed to do. I’m somewhere between being a mom and being an old retired person. My daily life does not feel fulfilled, I don’t feel accomplished, and I most definitely feel very lonely.

It would be nice to go to a high school football game this fall, but I am scared. I’m not sure if it would make me happy through some state of nostalgia and to cheer on our son’s younger teammates that we know, or if being back in the stadium where he played would leave me depressed. Our weekends have been filled to the brim with activities ever since I can remember. Now it has come to a miserable standstill and I miss those busy weekends. I desperately want them back.

The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing that in my heart of hearts my husband and I have done a great job raising our two kids. They’re independent and productive and both are moving on to doing great things. Our kids have tuned out to be amazing adults. We are very blessed that both of them have had an opportunity to go to college and get a higher education. We are fortunate that they are able to successfully live on their own and start experiencing the crazy remarkable life that lies ahead of them.

I have heard so many beautiful perspectives from parents who have also become empty nesters in the last few weeks; so many positive ways to look at this new chapter that sits in front of us. I am grateful for all the wonderful points of view that have been shared with me, and I hope they fill up my mind up soon, replacing any doubts that currently exist and these awful feelings of loneliness.

Until then (and for now), I am in some form of parental purgatory; a state of waiting and uncertainty and stuck between two phases of middle-age life. I’m sure that I am not alone and so I write this as a form of self-therapy and to let other moms and dads out there suffering from empty nest syndrome know that they too are not alone.

I truly appreciate all of the fellow-mamas out there who have personally reached out to me over the last few weeks to check in on us. Appreciate you to no end and much love and respect.