Unconscious Exclusion; Being Uninvited
“This is the best party ever! We are all here, but you’re not because you weren’t invited. We are having a great time…” These were basically the words used to caption a series of pictures (aka “snaps”) of a giggling group of teenage girls. These snaps were directed towards our preteen daughter late at night, in her bedroom, on her cell phone & all alone. She was purposely being left out of a slumber party that one of her so-called friends was hosting. Not only was our daughter not invited; she was being targeted via social media to make her feel even worse about NOT being included. Her feelings were hurt & tears were shed. When I finally found out what had happened, pure sadness emitted from her entire little being. I felt horrible for her. My heart ached. I wanted to punish the little brats who made her feel so awful. Unfortunately, this happens more often than we think, especially in the crazy social media world we all live in.
Even if we are not being actively bullied into feeling left out; social media makes it very easy to discover when we have not been invited; not included. Most of the time, it is not as deliberate as the example of the slumber party, especially as we grow into adults. But it happens all the time. I call it “unconscious exclusion”. Facebook, Instagram & Snap Chat allow us insight as to who has been invited to dinners & celebrations, who all has traveled together part of group vacations, and who has participated together in social activities over a fun weekend.
Kids get on Snap Chat and can instantly see where their friends are gathered by looking at the Snap Map to see where the cartoon images are located on the map. When they see their buddies all group together in one location and they do not get the invite; feelings are immediately hurt. Side note: this is also a great way to find out where the party is at so Snap Chatters can flock in droves to the popular spot on the Snap Map.
Back in my day (decades ago) kids would pass out handwritten invitations for a birthday party at school. If you happen to catch wind of the upcoming celebration; you hoped and prayed that you would be the recipient of one of the coveted envelopes. If not, the party went on without you and feelings were crushed. There might have been some scuttlebutt at school the following Monday. Social media obviously did not exist back then, so a plethora of braggadocios pictures that live on-line for all eternity were never posted rubbing the “unvitation” in your face to make you feel even worse about not being included.
When you are the one scrolling through your Facebook feed and randomly come across a photo of your friends (or who you thought were your friends) all together having fun and YOU ARE THE ONE missing from that photo, your stomach immediately sinks. You were not invited. You were not included in their plans. Why? Surely, they did not NOT invite you on purpose. There must be a good reason, right?! But still, you feel left out. Your feelings are hurt. You’re sad and maybe even angry. This is “unconscious exclusion” or perhaps we can call it an “unvitation”.
Maybe your pals figured you were too busy, did not have the money, or would not be interested in their plans. Perhaps they were trying to spare you from making a tough decision or having to decline their invitation for plans of your own. Or maybe…just maybe they really did not want you to be part of their fun activities after all. It leaves your mind spinning and your feelings still incredibly hurt.
In a day and age where inclusion is a part of corporate policies and societal culture, it astonishes me that seemingly smart educated adults in the working world are not conscious of the potential effects their “posts” have on others.
Kids can be cruel, but adults can come across insensitive whether they realize it or not. 99.9% of photos posted on social media are the absolute best highlights taken from thousands upon thousands of snapshots in a day. They capture the best times of your life (or what you want others to know about & comment on). Dinners with friends, amazing vacation photos, touchdowns, homeruns, beautiful prom dates and new cars. We don’t post about how hard marriage is, the stresses of being a working parent or having to file bankruptcy. There are no posts about the arguments we have with our family or friends. No one posts about feeling lonely, depressed, or suicidal (all while their social media profiles display an entirely different picture of a happy life).
Parents never post about their kids fumbling the football, striking out or placing last in a race. We never see posts about poor grades, temper tantrums or not making the team. And never ever do we see posts about the times kids get caught drinking, smoking weed or busted for bad behavior.
There are way more strikeouts in real life than homeruns, but we only hear about the homeruns. We are all users of social media and need to remember that what people post is only a very very small fraction of their life whether it includes us or not.
The next time you find yourself aimlessly scrolling through social media, ask yourself if you are happier because of it.
